


when i wake up, im afraid

by Capripian_Light_Of_My_Derse



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Flashbacks, Gen, Ghosts, Hurt/Comfort, No Fucking Incest Ya Nasties, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sibling Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-12 17:22:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18015137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Capripian_Light_Of_My_Derse/pseuds/Capripian_Light_Of_My_Derse
Summary: It all started at the dinner table, breakfast time. Five takes a bite of his food, but all he can taste is ashes. Klaus tries to comfort his brother because he remembers feeling like this himself. And also Ben is there, in various states of existence.





	1. and being me can only mean feeling scared to breathe

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to, as always, @existential_knight (commonly known as the best) for being my beta, editor, moirail, and encouragement all at once. This was caused by my hubris and your help.
> 
> This is at least a little bit based on all the other tua fics as well as the feast scene in a wrinkle in time.

It all started at the dinner table. So many things did, really. Back in the day, thirteen for the first time(and he naively assumed the only time), he argued with Reginald over time travel. Of course, he had thought he won- but he lost. He became Number Five, the only one left. And then, incidentally, he became Mister Five. And after all that hardship, all the years of loneliness and cold steel, he was just Five again, racing desperately to stop the organization he once excelled in.

 

And now he's back at the table, eating with his family, and he can almost pretend it's like old times. They're just about as silent, really. Even though it's not ‘enforced’, the old man trained them well enough. They're even sitting in the same seats, but for the two missing. One death old, one death new. For him, they feel almost the same. Ben and the old man? They're dead. It's a fact of life. Five may have mourned Ben for many years while giving his father not a scrap of thought, but he’s accepted both deaths and moved on. The same could not be said for the rest of the sentimental children in the family.

 

Nonetheless, everyone's here. This is probably the last morning before they pick up and go for good. Luther, the good little son that he is, just waits for breakfast. The rest of them are engaged in varying amounts of behavior which would have gotten them punished. Klaus is smoking, and-

 

and-

 

And Five tenses, involuntarily, as the fiery heat washes over him and he's back, and the smoke is rising over the city, over the sky, over the whole world until he feels engulfed in it, and he's alone, and-

 

And everything is fine. Klaus is smoking. Five doesn't care a bit. He'll suffer from the habit later. Just one more reason for Five to make sure that later comes to pass. Punishing his brother might be unconventional, some may even call him cruel, but it does the trick. He is in the here and now, and he still has time to make a difference. And if Vanya or Klaus is looking at him funny after the sudden tensing of his shoulders, they think nothing of it.

 

Grace bustles in, cheery as ever, perfect little fake fulfilling faulty programming. A plate of eggs and bacon soon sits in front of every one of them, piping hot and cooked to order. Arranged in a smile, of course, because it's Grace and why should anything be different. Just another jab into the fact that he's just a child.

 

He picks up his fork, rubbing his thumb over the familiar Hargreeves crest(and how typical of that ass to get a set of custom silver), and takes a bite out of his egg. Grace really remembers his taste, doesn't she? Remembers everything, really, but the poach is perfectly done, and his bacon looks crisper than ever. He has to have a taste of that delicacy too, doesn't he? No one's made his food quite like Grace in the whole of his life.

 

And Five reaches for the bacon, takes a well-deserved bite, and-

 

and-

 

And he can feel the ash in his mouth, feel the dread coat his stomach. The ashes are everywhere, everything is reduced to rubble, and he searches frantically for somebody, _anybody_ . The scent of charred, rotten flesh pervades him, the whole of the world closing in until it's only Five, feeling like he's going to choke, and he can see the collapsed building again, can see the piles of rubble, and the only sound is the roar of fire, and the ash slipping into his lungs, his heart, his stomach, his mind, until he's consumed by the stuff. And he can't seem to find Dolores, can't find _anybody_ , he's so alone and afraid and-

 

A hand clutches his face, and he jerks away, knowing that it's just the wind, just the smoke getting to his brain and oncoming insanity convincing him that he's not alone in the darkness. But through the howling and the frenzied breathing and his own heart racing, Five hears something.

 

“Five. Five!” screams the voice in his head, and- and he’s confused. Because everyone is dead and gone, and any whispers he hears are just his imagination, and he still can't find _Dolores-_ but that voice makes him remember home, and safety, and the embrace of not one, but _two_ brothers who held him close and dear and told him it would be alright, and suddenly he's blinking through the tears and he can see Klaus. And… And Ben is there, and both of them are standing in front of him, and he can't _breathe_ -

 

But Ben puts Five’s hand to his chest, and the familiar heartbeat makes the world seem to fall away. And Ben’s here, and real, and Five begins to realize that he, too, is here. Here, at this moment, he is hunched up in his chair, tears on his face and a lump in his throat. This is… Embarrassing. Unbecoming. They shouldn't see him like this.

 

And without a second thought, he's in his room. On his bed, alone and uprooted from reality. Is any of this real? Is he real? Will the man behind the curtain pull everything away to reveal nothing but dust and delusions in its wake? And he can feel it again now, the crushing loneliness seeping into his bones. He is alone here. He will never see another person again. None of his equations and physics will be able to free him. Five is trapped in the apocalypse, and it's something sickeningly familiar.

 

And then comes a knock on the door, and Five lifts his head. He's in his bedroom. It is 2019, his family is alive. His voice is sore, hardly fit for any speech at all, but he's good enough for something simple. Something quaint, and nothing emotional in the slightest.

 

“Fuck off.”

 

He squeezes his eyes shut, fingernails biting into his legs and teeth biting into his tongue. He's fine, good and fine and perfectly put together, and though his voice trembled and his throat was sickeningly tearful, there's no way they could know. They can't know.

 

But the door still opens a crack, and a hand sneaks through to wish him hello. He chokes back a laugh, and the rest of Klaus decides to enter the room. He sits on the bed, a good three feet from Five, and he is surprisingly quiet. Five doesn’t ever remember him voluntarily silent.To fill the silence, he takes a few shuddering breaths, and Klaus stays somber. He shakes his head, looking to a point just off to Five’s right, and Five is done with this bullshit.

 

“Why are you here.” It’s posed as an inquiry but phrased as a neutral statement. That’s just Five’s way, of course. Blunt and sarcastic, though he's running a bit high on emotions right now.

 

Klaus shrugs, glaring at the point to Five’s right again and beginning to speak. “Where were you?” he tilts his head dramatically, almost mockingly, but not quite. Five is caught off guard, to say the least; Klaus’ question perfectly reflects his state of mind and its somewhat stunning to realize that someone else understands him. Someone else knows exactly what’s going on. It’s even more of a shock that it’s Klaus, really, because he’s _Klaus_.

 

“I don't see why it's any of your business,” says Five, and though he knows it's cruel he can't help but say something in response and it sure as hell won’t be the truth.

 

“I'm a mausoleum man myself, of course. Dear old dad saw fit to rid me of my fear of ghosts by shoving even more ghosts into my head. It's a shit place to visit, though, so I’ll be nice and give it one star on Yelp. Where were you?” Klaus responds, and Five is shaken by the knowledge that what happens to him happens to others as well. Even Klaus, the most carefree of them all. Or… Maybe not as careless as Five thinks.

 

Five still pauses a moment, burying his head into his knees and muffling his voice. “The apocalypse,” he says, and Klaus just nods, pauses for a moment while he looks at whatever he looks at. Sometimes he likes to think Klaus still communicates with Ben, only if it’s to know that Ben is still present in some capacity.

 

There’s a moment of silence, though maybe not as silent for Klaus.

 

“Can I hug you?” Klaus asks, and it comforts Five that Klaus asks first, because the answer should be no. Five’s never liked that kind of touchy-feely gunk before, so why now? But Five finds himself surprisingly alright with being hugged, so they stay there for several minutes, Five doesn’t know how long exactly. Hugging it out. When Five comes down from his panic, he realizes something suspicious.  

 

“Why was Ben here earlier?”

 

That doesn’t make sense at all, Ben seemed pretty dead the last time Five looked. Klaus looks at the same place he has the whole time but turns back to Five with a semi-relaxed smile.

 

“You should stop asking questions.”


	2. if you leave me then ill be afraid of everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still dedicated to @existential_knight, of course, because she's the best, and she motivated me to finish the fic.
> 
> This chapter is sponsored by confusing timeline bullshit but it occurs after Vietnam for sure.

It all started at the dinner table. For him, mealtime was always a time to screw around with the rules his father set down and see just how many he could break. Right now, Klaus was only smoking. Cigarettes, perfectly legal and ordinary. And signing with Ben, of course, because the silence their father enforced still holds its weight in the halls of the Umbrella Academy. Klaus hates this place, plain and simple. Makes him itch with all the propriety. Not to mention the bad memories of training. But he can still talk with Ben, and that’s enough.    
  
“Hey, Klaus, look at Five,” Ben says, pointing his view towards Five’s tense form, unmoving and breathing lightly. After a moment he seems to shake himself out of it, but… This is familiar to Klaus, as something Ben’s had to coach him through again and again. And something Ben used to coach Five through, now that he thinks about it.    
  
_ He's fine now, dude, _ Klaus signs, rolling his eyes when Ben gives him The Look. The Look has been utilized in several situations before, like when Klaus decided to rob that convenience store, or when Klaus decided that charging the battlefield in an ice cream truck was a good idea, or when Klaus put on Allison's skirt and waltzed around the room, or- well, any other time, ever. The Look might be a little, teensy-weensy bit overused when it comes to Klaus, but it's still pretty scathing. He winces. “Whatever, it's Five.”   
  
Ben shrugs at that, looking towards their Mother as she brings out some plates. Klaus knows Ben won't get one, which must be pretty annoying, but he's dead. No way for Mom to know. At least Klaus still puts out a plate for him whenever it's just the two of them; that's just being polite.    
  
Klaus is just about to tuck into his lovely fried eggs, godly among egg-kind, when he hears something peculiar. Five drops his fork on the table, and it echoes, but Five doesn't seem to hear it at all. Instead, he's shaking, looking into the empty air, tears streaming down his face. Klaus knows this look, but he still looks to Ben for confirmation.    
  
“Yeah, Klaus. Panic attack,” Ben says, and he almost jumps out of his seat to go to Five before he realizes he's a ghost. Klaus can see the disappointment on his face- Ben was always the best at helping Five through these attacks, and now he can’t do anything. The rest of the family was less effective, though Klaus is a close second due to his own issues- and now that Klaus remembers his family, their frenzied yelling seeps through his thoughts.    
  
“What's going on with him?” Allison shouts while others argue about what to do. They're all a bunch of idiots, and Mom seems to be completely occupied with staring vacantly at a blank spot on the wall. Vanya bites her lip and begins to reach out to  Five before drawing back and retreating into her food. She's really got a terrible time with that self-esteem. But more importantly, Five is having a panic attack.    
  
“Klaus! I know what you have to do,” Ben yells at him, snapping him back into reality. He points to himself, then to Five. "Make me solid again! You did it last time, it's gotta work now! It's gotta, please, I have to help him, please," and his voice is going ever more frantic by the second. But Klaus can't do this with all the NOISE! It's too fucking much, everyone's yelling and arguing and he has to get some peac _ E AND QUIET. _ __  
  
"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" he yells, waving his hands in between Diego and Luther as they argue for the millionth time over something with no relevance to Five. And, shocking as anything, they do. Huh. That's never really happened before, Klaus doesn't know what to do. He shrugs. This might as well benefit him.   
  
"Listen, guys, I've got a plan. And it's a pretty fucking good one, because for once in my life, despite what you ASSHOLES might think, I'm completely sober," he says, Vanya and Ben watching him with curiosity. The rest of the gang is just watching him with disbelief, but Klaus focuses on the important things and clenches his hands. Reaching into himself for his power, Klaus tries to remember how he felt when Ben fucking punched him. He draws it out, and sure enough, his fists lit up in blue.   
  
And Diego is the first to gasp when Ben appears, calm and caring. He was also part of the Even Number Squad, of course, and you three were a force of mayhem. But Ben just puts a finger on his lips and rushes over to Five as fast as his solid form will take him, Klaus hot on his heels. Ben reaches down and touches Five's face now that he's finally solid enough to do so, but Five jerks away almost immediately following the action. Ben puts his hand down, just nodding.   
  
"Five," he says gently. Nothing happens, and Klaus gestures for him to say it louder. "Five!" Ben yells, and Five's eyes blink before refocusing on his brothers. Ben and Klaus are finally here to comfort Five together, but he just breathes faster and faster, until Ben reaches for his wrist and places it on his own chest. Five's breathing slows, finally, until it matches the beat of Ben's heart. Ben and Klaus on either side of Five, watching him look around in realization of what is actually happening around him.   
  
And then he vanishes, and so does Ben. Damn it, Klaus thought he could last longer than that. Ben reappears across the table from Klaus, and he's about to speak before Klaus is mobbed by all of his siblings. Pandemonium (oh, that’s a fancy word! Dear old daddio would be so proud of him) breaks out. Hell, Klaus can’t even tell who’s speaking.

_"YOU CAN DO THAT?_ "   
"How is that possible, you're not even sober."   
"BRING HIM BACK!"   
"What just happened?" **  
** **  
**  
...But none of them ask what happened to Five, so Klaus finds himself running upstairs just to get away from the incessant questioning. Ben runs along with him, and Klaus entertains the question of whether or not ghosts get winded. Because if they don't, that's seriously unfair. When he reaches the top floor, though, Klaus pauses. Soft sobbing noises are coming from Five's room, but he doesn't know how to handle them. Better Call Ben!   
  
_ What should I do?  _ Klaus signs, careful not to disturb the peace and quiet. It's oddly silent up here, considering how loud they are downstairs, but sounds don't travel very well in the Umbrella Academy... He guesses. Logic hasn't always been Klaus' strong suit.   
  
"I think you should knock, first of all. I mean, that's just being polite. Don't want to intrude, especially when he's like this," Ben responds. Hellllll yes! What a cool dude! Klaus takes his expert advice, of course, and knocks on the door with the simple one-two knuckle rap.   
  
A moment passes before anything happens, but Klaus catches wind of an emotional "Fuck off." Five always has had a way with words, especially the bad ones. Klaus isn't going to give up that easily, though. He slides his hand through the crack in the door. Funnily enough, it's the one that says hello. Klaus hears a weak laugh through the door. He decides to go in, seeing Five curled up on his bed in a teary state. Five knows that he's here, at least, because he looks up and glares when Klaus sits on the other side of his bed.    
  
Ben sits next to Five, and when he tries to hug his brother his hands go right through. "Can you make me solid again? Please?" he asks. Ben's anguish is undeniable, and it takes a time of seriously trying before Klaus has to shake his head.   
  
"Why are you here," Five asks flatly. Damn, he's so small. Klaus has been the victim of one, or two, or twenty panic attacks before, even before he took a stint in 1968. Usually, it goes right back to the ghosts he saw in the mausoleum, the screaming, the darkness, et-fucking-cetera, but this is about Five's trauma, not his. Klaus shrugs.   
  
Ben makes the wise decision that it's his time to butt into Klaus' inner monologue. "Hey! You have to answer him. Say  _ something _ . Anything. Do it for me, if you won’t do it for any other number of better reasons It's not like I can, apparently.." It's a low blow, and Klaus glares at him for it, but it's enough prompting that he can begin to articulate his thoughts about what he would do in a situation such as this.   
  
So Klaus swallows, and he speaks. "Where were you?", and he didn't expect three words to have such an effect. Five is looking up at him like a newborn puppy, if Klaus is the kind horse girl who will raise him to win the big show, and he's mixing his metaphors again. Shit. Five just looks so _surprised_ , really. Klaus guesses it's just because of how he knew; Five might have a tough time swallowing the fact that sometimes his brothers know what he's talking about. Klaus gets it, dude. Don't act so shocked.  
  
Yet Five just scoffs, in the most transparently emotional way possible, "I don't see why it's any of your business." He's kind of a jerk, but it's so obviously fake that it hardly matters anyway.  
  
Ben gestures at Klaus to continue, and so he does. Despite the... slight amount of emotional baggage that he has to drag up along with it. "I'm a mausoleum man myself, of course. Dear old dad saw fit to rid me of my fear of ghosts by shoving even more ghosts in my head. It's a shit place to visit, though, so I'll be nice and give it one star on Yelp. Where were you?” The sentences, regardless of joke material, veiled Klaus’s forced nonchalance. Now is not the time to be emotional about all this, especially when trying to comfort Five.   
  
His dear younger(or older, depending on how one looks at it, apparently he’s a 58-year-old or some shit) brother buries his head in his knees, but when Klaus listened closely he could still hear Five say "The apocalypse." Oh, Five, oh no. He must have been so scared, alone for so long. Klaus may have been lonely all his life, but at least Ben was there to keep him company.   
  
And speaking of Ben, he's crying now. "I want to hug him, Klaus, I really do. But I can't, I know you can't do that again. So could you please hug Five? For me?" he says, and Klaus can perfectly understand his plight. It hurts to be unable to comfort your brother. Klaus learned that from experience when his own brother became untouchable. But consideration is still necessary.  
  
Klaus has to wait a moment, just for his anxiety to settle down enough that he can ask famously touch-averse Five for permission to hug. But it's like a band-aid, he guesses. Gotta rip it off all at once. "Can I hug you?"  
  
And it hardly even takes a moment before Five is in his arms, shivering the faintest bit. Ben's watching them, and Klaus can feel the energy coming off of him like he's been tangible all along. Five gradually calms down, and Ben might as damn well be a professional emotional support advice-giver. It's comforting, really. Of course, it's less comforting once Five decides that it's time to ask questions with difficult answers.  
  
"Why was Ben here earlier?"  
  
Shit. Klaus looks at Ben, but all he can offer is a shrug. Klaus just smiles, it’s whatever.  
  
“You should stop asking questions."  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you kindly for reading, please leave kudos or comments if you enjoyed.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are the author's delight. Thank you for reading!


End file.
